In the last few months of my life, a lot has changed. I'd like to think that I'm on the path to finding out where life is going to take me (career wise), but I feel like I'm just getting more and more lost. For most of my life, I was confident about what I was going to do when I grew up. If my mind hadn't changed since I was very young, I'd probably be striving to be a vet or a doctor. Little Katie hadn't realized how squeamish she really was. I spent most of junior high and high school thinking I was going to graduate and go to university to be a band teacher. Sure enough, I did. I started out at Grant MacEwan playing the saxophone and hoping that my music degree would give me a foundation for teaching music. It wasn't for me. I'm not built to be a professional musician. As much as I love music- playing it, teaching it, listening to it- I am not destined to play music professionally. So I transferred schools in hopes of working towards my education degree. A year of classes in that program left me feeling more lost than ever about what I want to do. I feel nothing pulling me in any direction. I love a lot of things- music, fashion, makeup, healthy eating and fitness, games, teaching, drawing and crafts, working as a barista... but none of them feel to me like they could be the one thing that I pursue as a career. And this scares me, a lot. I know I'm still really young and I have a lot of time to figure things out, but I feel like there's a clock ticking and I have to settle into a steady job within the next few years. Everyone tells me that this is the time in my life I need to use to go to school and get a degree, but I just feel like I'm trudging along, not really making any progress. I'm still going to school in the fall, (in 2 weeks, yikes) but I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm just taking some random courses and hoping things kind of fall into place, eventually. Not that I don't worry and stress about it.

Why do musicians do this to themselves?

I have been working on my grade 9 repertoire and technique skills for two years and today is the day that someone decides based on 30 minutes of playing if I get the piece of paper that says I pass the grade. I can see my heartbeat through my shirt and my hands are so sweaty I can't hold my phone. I'm imagining my fingers sliding all over the keys and playing all the wrong notes. I'm imagining completely forgetting the key signatures of all the scales I'm asked when I'm put on the spot. Waiting is the worst part, because all I can do while I sit here is imagine what about to go wrong. 2 years of work comes down to how I do today.  

Is this what being sick is like for everyone? Or is it just me

Day 1: The throat pain. That pain that isn't really that bad, but you know exactly what's coming. That's right, sickness. And there's nothing you can do about it at this point. You know it's coming and you have to let it happen.
Day 2: The throat pain gets worse. Now it hurts when you swallow, and your voice craps out on you sometimes, mostly at the very worst times. Like right when you're trying to talk to a customer at work, and they're like "great. the person serving me my coffee has infested it with gross germs and stuff."
Day 3: The throat pain is bad now. Bad enough for you to take a day off to recover, and watch the pile of homework and studying and practicing that you had mentally piled up for reading week collect a layer of dust.
Day 4: Did the day off help? Nope. Throat is even worse now. Just drink tea and watch tv all day and hope it feels better tomorrow.
Day 5: Yay, sore throat is almost gone! But guess what? You are stuffed up to high hell. Pronouncing the letter "M" is as impossible as closing your mouth without suffocating.
Day 6: All that stuffy stuff is now leaking. out. of. your. face. You sneeze approximately every 12.5 seconds. You have to blow your nose every 6 seconds. All of the mucous and phlegm (my 2 least favourite words, by the way) make the front of your face feel heavy.
Day 7: I guess I will find out tomorrow.

I brought pasta salad for dinner and I forgot a fork

Imagine if you will, because it's pretty funny, me trying to eat my pasta salad with my fingers. I could only pick up like 2 things at a time and it's slimy and things kept falling out of my fingers and I just looked rather silly. If I wasn't so hungry I'd have waited until I got home but I have 4 more students to teach, and I wouldn't make it. My stomach would curl up and eat itself. 

Anyway, two of my students that are siblings always bring me treats for every holiday. Over the years I've been teaching them, their gifts have gotten bigger. They really spoil me. My Valentine's Day gift was kind or chocolates and a $25 chopped leaf gift card, how awesome is that?? I'm super lucky. 

Mondays are weird days for me. They always start out awful, but by around 10am I'm in a super great mood and it usually stays that way for the rest of this day. I don't really understand why, it's kind of like my brain having a very bad response to the start of the week, but once it adjusts, it's all good. This morning, I was particularly cranky. I woke up thinking, "I hate this. I never want to get out of bed. I don't want to go to school, I don't want to work, I'm going to quit life and watch TV until I die." Thank goodness that mood didn't last very long. 

I'm sitting here watching The Mindy Project (excellent and hilarious show, by the way) and I have this inkling to go downstairs and organize my room. There is so much shit in there that I don't need and it would make me feel so good just to purge some of it.
But I can't motivate myself to get off of my butt.
I also really want to eat but I'm not even hungry.
There are so many better things I could be doing and SHOULD be doing but I. have. zero. motivation.

Does this happen to everyone or is it just me?

The Story of How I Won Roll-Up-The-Rim at Starbucks

Today I was walking to my second class of the day, thinking about grabbing a coffee when someone with a Roll-Up-the-Rim cup walked past me. I thought, "YESSSSSS, the time of year during which I can shamelessly gamble while buying coffee has returned!" I go to Tim Hortons a seriously embarrassing number of times during roll-up-the-rim season. Nothing is more satisfying than winning a coffee from a free coffee from a free coffee. Even though that has actually happened to me maybe once or twice, the mere possibility that it can happen is enough for me to stray from Starbucks- the coffeehouse to which I am usually loyal and provides me with the quality beverage I desire (not to mention my partner discount), to Tim Hortons, where the probability of my drink tasting the way I want it to is even lower than the probability of me winning Roll-Up-The-Rim.

This brings me to my riveting story of the day the best of both worlds collided when I won a free coffee from Tim Hortons while working a shift at Starbucks. 

It may come as a surprise, but in my 1 1/2 years of employment at Starbucks #4995, I have noticed that probably 75% of the garbage we collect in our drive-thru bin are cups from other coffee-selling establishments. I like to think that they wound up in our garbage can because our customers attempt to purchase a coffee elsewhere, take a few sips and realize that they have made a huge mistake, and immediately drive right to our store to replace their drink with something delicious and made with love by one of my coworkers or myself. I am aware that this is likely not to be the case.

One day when I was emptying the drive-thru garbage, I noticed a Tim Hortons cup sitting on the top of the garbage, in practically immaculate condition, rim-unrolled. I figured there was no harm in checking to see if it was a win, I couldn't think of any horrible diseases I could contract from picking up a used paper cup. As it turns out, it was a winner! My coworkers shamed me for my excitement because a) I was enthusing about Tim Hortons while wearing a green Starbucks apron and b) I had just picked through the garbage to receive something of a $1.70 value. My excitement was not hindered.

After class today, Kelsey and I (its our 9 month anniversary today, yay us!) grabbed breakfast and then coffee from Tims. I am currently drinking it and will keep you posted as to whether or not I am a winner.

Update: I didn't win. 

My-bus-arrived-at-school-30-minutes-early-so-I'm-grabbing-a-coffee-before-classThoughts

Am I the only one that looks around and thinks "wow, that girl is wearing sweatpants and a baggy shirt and is rocking it. I actually tried to look nice today and I feel like a slob"?

I know the answer is no, I'm not the only one who thinks like this, in fact I know it's perfectly likely that a stranger might think I look nicer than them today. Except probably not, because in my sleepy stupor leaving the house at 6:30 this morning I forgot to not wear my grey boots with my grey leggings and long grey socks so that my look isn't called 15 shades of grey. 

The even more likely outcome is that no one else will even notice my attire on their personal journeys through today. Even if they did, I'm never going to know if someone has that thought. And they'll never know what I think. 

So why do I care so much??!?